So we all pretty much assume some gross stuff is going to happen when you have a baby. During pregnancy, during birth, and after birth right? I kept myself up all hours of the night at times reading from websites like The Bump and Everyday Family, but nothing prepared me for what I was going to deal with. So here..as frank as I can be I will enlighten you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I can’t give you any advice on the mucus plug issue. I never saw mine like most ladies do…in their panties or in the toilet. So you may have to search that one lol.
During pregnancy, seriously, buy some cheap underwear from Walmart or Target or something to the likes of Hanes Her Way or Fruit of the Loom. Why? Because you will ruin your underwear. Not by choice. Let me start with the fact that you can’t control the regular discharge that may happen. Your body is producing hormones like crazy. Besides that issue you have the fun loving expression of Snissing. Snissing you ask? This is when you sneeze and pee at the same time. No one is in the clear of this not happening. To make it worse you have coughing while peeing and laughing while peeing as well. It will happen. You will not always be prepared with a pad or liner so just be prepared to change yourself.
Spotting. It happens. I remember the first day it was only a few weeks in on my first trimester. I freaked out in tears. I went to wipe and saw the blood. The Doctor’s office said to put a pad on and if it did not soak up then no worries. Granted I was due for a scan that week so they checked everything. This happened about three times. Sometimes it just means your cervix is thin and can bleed through a bit.
I can’t even imagine what the staff at hospital dealt with during labor as I couldn’t feel a thing nor see a thing. Just know I’m sure I am glad I didn’t get the view lol.
Now, I admit I read a lot but nothing prepared me for after birth issues or what I am still dealing with. From the first time they got me out of the bed and the nurse walked me to the toilet and had me use the squirt bottle to rinse my lady bits to the blood issues or pain…this shit was not fun and still is mean spirited about four weeks later.
Once I got to my room after labor and delivery I went to the bathroom after a bit and realized they had not stocked it with pads which obviously you will need. See you go nine months with no period and then afterwards and during pregnancy you still need those bastards to get through your daily routines lol. So the nurse came in and if I had not lost modesty prior, I sure did now! She stood there and told me to use the bottle to rinse, dab dry, put a pad in (these monster things with no wings!!!), pull on a mesh panty that looks like a boyshort at first until you pull it up and it is full on granny panty style, put some witch hazel pads in and oh spray yourself with dermaplast and don’t be stingy spray it on real good!
It helped feel good but I learned real fast that with a pad and sticky adhesive along with mesh panties I soon was thankful I had granny panties of my own in my bag that were cotton. Needed those because every time you got off the bed your pad was sticking to the pad on the bed (in case you bled or had discharge so it did not get on sheets)..pulling on real underwear helped to 1) not shift the pad and 2) not get stuck to the bed! I was already wheeling around the stupid IV drip still.
Ever wanted a reason to miss your monthly cycle dearly? Hold on for the after birth cycle. Forever are you changing, the witch hazel makes it smell funky as all get out down there even though it feels soooo good and healing, and you are taking three times the actual time to use the restroom as you would any other time in your life because of the ritual you are performing to help your lady bits. Reminder to stuff your bags of items so they keep restocking! Witch Hazel pads and Dermaplast can be pricy! Four week out not so much blood but still snissing issues and coughing and peeing issues.
I was told to get a Sitz bath for the toilet, granted by the time it arrived I was over that and had just kept using the squirt bottle in the shower to feel better. Use warm water, cold is bad, very very bad.
Now, you may or may not ever have stitches. I was blessed beyond belief with stitches in two areas. This would cause the hemorrhoid from hell issue one day..thank god those heal quickly. OH I told you, I was telling you it ALL! I remember one day having to go to the bathroom so bad, at the hospital I went and it didn’t seem too bad but I was also on pain pills! You are not supposed to push with stitches..so you sit..and pray..and wait. Well at home one day I think I screamed as if I were going in to labor. I had to listen to my poor baby cry bloody murder as my husband rocked him while I sweat on the toilet just wanting it to all end. Those witch hazel pads…you will want them now not just for your swollen lady bits but for your evil visitor Mr. Hemmy! They can go away real fast with some help from the Witch Doc!
From there I was having severe pain in the lady parts while peeing, sitting, standing, bending, well pretty much doing ANYTHING. Four week out not as bad (the first two weeks I could cry daily) but now sometimes it feels as if someone just punched me there. I get my check up next week so we shall see how healing has progressed. Just be prepared that the toilet is no longer your friend. You should be forever grateful that you are not peeing every fifteen minutes like you were in your third trimester but you will hate every visit just as much if not more now.
Boob juice. Yep leaky boobs. It took about 4-5 days for my milk to really come in. I have not had as many issues as a few of my friends except I am not producing as much as I would like as fast as I like. There are ways to help with this. Fenugreek, lactation cookies, mother’s milk tea, etc.
Fenugreek, hello maple syrup smelling body, how are you? Yes I was only taking 2-3 a day and when they are in your mouth floating around waiting to be swallowed they leave this nasty taste. Even better? You start smelling like a short stack of pancakes from IHOP. Super sweet. Your urine, your armpits, your neck, your boobs, you just are a freaking pancake. I helps though! I can’t imagine taking more than a few a day and some ladies I know take up to 12!!! Crazy pants if you ask me. However, might be smart. They had more milk coming out faster. I can not vouch for the lactation cookies yet even though I bought the ingredients and had to order the Brewer’s Yeast off Amazon because I could not find it local. I bought the Mother’s Milk Tea at Target but have yet to try it.
Leaking? Yep that happens. Stuff some pads in there and pray. One night little mister was crying and I was about to hop in the shower. I put him on the right side and since I was topless the left side started shooting milk to the floor. Yes, lesson learned. Last night I did not wake up to pump at my normal time. So not only did I wake up engorged and feeling like my nipples were on fire but my pad slid over and I woke up with two huge spots of milk on my tank top. Fun stuff.
So all in all you are going to deal with a lot of crap. NO joke. Urine, Discharge, Poop, Blood, Milk, Smells, etc…If you ever felt you “felt” dirty during a period..nothing compares to how bad you want to shower multiple times a day after the baby arrives. Granted, when the hell do you get all that time? I sing glory to God when I get my 10-15 minutes at night while Daddy is giving little man his bottle!!! Just do the best you can. Our bodies were meant to do all this weird stuff…it is a real eye opener and I am learning day by day just what I am capable of physically and mentally.
Author: Nichole Arnold
I’m the owner of Mommy Needs a Bottle . I’m a 30- something wine enthusiast that resides in Tampa, FL. I love family traditions, traveling, cooking, baking, reading, fashion, tattoos, beauty products, and being a Mommy! I have a background in marketing, public relations, copywriting, and sales.